A Scripted Maze

perils with writing and whatnot

My Heart Is At Work

This is the second lesson in the email course, Inner Journey by Writing Bliss. If you missed my first post for this course, you can read it here.

This assignment, My Heart Is At Work, explores emotions through writing.

“When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest. I know I am swimming in a hallowed stream where many have gone before. I am not alone, crazy, or having a nervous breakdown…My heart is at work. My soul is awake.” — Mary Margaret Funk, Author of Thoughts Matter

As it was with the first lesson, I had my choice of which of five questions to answer.

 

What is the greatest intangible gift given you?

Until I was an adult, even after my son was born, I could not wrap myself around the thought of unequivocal love. My parents told me that they loved me of course, but I lived under the impression that I had to behave in a certain way to get that love. Mind you, I wasn’t getting this notion from my parents per se. What happened was that I would see their frowns when I’d do something I shouldn’t, and interpreted it as ‘They don’t love me now.’

As I grew up, I began to understand that their disappointment didn’t last forever, yet I still, somehow, felt that all love is conditional. I felt this in my first marriage too. Oddly enough, it wasn’t this feeling that broke up our marriage. (I’m still not sure if I’ll ever tell that story.)

During most of the time that my son was growing up, I worried about if he loved me or not. As before, it wasn’t anything that I was actually seeing in him. It was my own interpretation of what love is that was hanging me up.

When I married for the second time to the man that I call ‘Hubby’ here in my blog, I knew what I felt was love. At first, I wasn’t all that sure about him loving me because of this burden I had been carrying around with me for what seemed like forever.

Late one afternoon, I felt that I was losing it. I felt that I was going to explode if I didn’t find a way to release the tension in me. Hubby was already home from work, sitting in the living room watching TV with his daughter and my son. I stood at the west end of the living room close to the kitchen and announced that I had to leave. I said nothing about coming back or where I was going. I got into my car and drove until twilight hit. I sat there in the car that I had driven out of the city to heaven knows where. The tension had finally diminished.

By the time I got home, it was pitch black out. Hubby met me at the back door. He took me into his arms and asked me if I was all right now. My answer was yes of course, but I also added at question. ‘Do you still love me?’ His answer – ‘Of course I do.’ And he hugged me tighter.

To tell you the truth, no one had ever answered that way before. Everyone else would say something like ‘Don’t be silly.’, ‘What do you think?’ and other such lines.

I, now, know that I am unequivocally loved.

 

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14 comments on “My Heart Is At Work

  1. Pingback: Simmering For Wholeness | A Scripted Maze

  2. Pingback: A State Of Unknowing | A Scripted Maze

  3. Pingback: An Hour Of Unplugging | A Scripted Maze

  4. Pingback: Ending The Endless Worry | A Scripted Maze

  5. Pingback: Ending The Endless Worry | Speculations Impressed

  6. Pingback: An Hour Of Unplugging | Speculations Impressed

  7. Pingback: Simmering For Wholeness | Speculations Impressed

  8. Pingback: A State Of Unknowing | Speculations Impressed

  9. Cat
    2014/01/09

    I also struggle with this. I think, if we grow up perceiving people’s love to be conditional, we will naturally encounter this perception throughout our lives. One of the best ways to get over such a mindset is to have such a wonderful hubby as you have.

    Like

    • Glynis Jolly
      2014/01/09

      It certainly is amazing what the right words can do for a person. My brother calls my husband a diamond in the rough. 🙂

      Like

  10. Shakti Ghosal
    2014/01/08

    Hi Glynis,

    I do find your speculations kind of impressive too!

    So what do I find the greatest intangible gift given me? I would say it is, ” I AM..”

    But is ‘I AM…’ about ME? The ancient Vedas of India speak of Soham which means, “I AM…” Soham is a Universal mantra with its breath like vibrations creating a bridge between the individual’s senses, actions and his awareness. But at a more fundamental level, Soham also celebrates that deep underlying essence of Being. The Being that does not need to react, that just is and is part of the universal consciousness.

    So how do you see this aligning with your heart at work?

    Blessings

    Shakti

    Like

    • Glynis Jolly
      2014/01/08

      Hi Shakti

      Thank you for the great compliment.

      If I’m understanding you correctly, your received intangible gift is the ability to know and be content with yourself. I have yet to obtain that for myself.

      Like

  11. Aw, this made me sad. Not to know you’re loved is a terrible thing. When you realize and know you are, it is the most amazing and beautiful thing. Hugs to you. 🙂

    Like

    • Glynis Jolly
      2014/01/08

      To this day I can’t figure out why I couldn’t grasp the fact that my parents, brother and other relatives loved me. Was I that insecure naturally? That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

      (Thanks for the hug 🙂 )

      Like

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This entry was posted on 2014/01/07 by in Inner Journey and tagged , , , .

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